In the belly of the Mother
This winter has been a pretty dark time for me in some aspects. I’ve sat with feelings and circumstances that were not what I would have chosen. And on sleepless nights, my mind has gone on some pretty aggressive loops of self criticism and doubt, which have lasted longer than I’d like to admit. But still, on a daily basis, I am in touch with the divinity within myself. During the daytime, it’s easier for me to find my inner light.
The prayer I keep coming back to is one of acceptance. Recently, life has given me a lot of different circumstances to love myself through, and I”m noticing where this love feels different from how I have treated myself in the past. I’ve been clearing out my work space in my house, which had gotten cluttered up with things not conducive to any type of creative work (hello, self judgement stories popping up and trying to take over!), and I’ve gone through box after box of old photos of myself, old writings and other relics of my past. Facing these objects has given me an opportunity to pour love into myself at every past moment where I did the best I could, even if I denied my true self in the process. I forgive myself and send love to that girl/teenager/young woman who forgot how to love herself in those times. And in doing this, I am healing both my past and my current self (and who knows what else?!) I’m seeing the circumstances that shaped me, and noticing where I developed beliefs about myself that I can now see are not true. And with this lens, I can radically release the old story and step into a more true understanding of who I am. I can invite the past versions of myself to merge with the greater ME, and to feel the love that I am. In this way, deeply experiencing my shadow side this winter actually brings profound gifts. It has brought me to a place of trusting myself more than ever before. In fact, I even trust myself enough to share with you this series of lino-cut block print self portraits that I created in 2009, which each reveal a different embodiment of darkness and light that is me.
This photo was taken last week at Barton Cove, on the Connecticut River. The ice was thick, and several ice fishermen were out there.
And instead of wishing spring would hurry up and arrive with all of it’s wonder and outward energy and distractions, I am finding myself cherishing this inward time, knowing that when spring does arrive, I will be ready.
Now that we are at the midpoint of winter, the energy is shifting. Yes, it’s still definitely winter. But there are whispers of spring. The waters are starting to flow again, as some of the layers of ice are beginning to melt. There is more light. And this light is an important element of this time, which in some earth traditions is called imbolc, which to me marks the portal on the earth’s cycle where we have access to our own light in a new way. We can start to wiggle our fingers and toes a little as we prepare to awaken from this time of being dormant. We can connect with the light inside of us, because we are each a perfect reflection of what is happening in nature.
The word imbolc literally translates to “in the belly of the mother”. Last week, I underwent a profound healing of my own womb, through 3 separate embodied prayer experiences that, by working in layers, rewrote an old story of brokenness. As a result, I am experiencing all of my own creative forces being returned to me, as well as a solid remembering of my own worth. It’s amazing how much I had forgotten my worthiness, and I know I am not alone in that forgetting. It’s no coincidence that Mother earth called me back to this knowing at this time of imbolc, of being in the belly of the mother, in preparation for being reborn. and I am so humbled and grateful. I created this mosaic in 2015, when I was in the manifesting process prior to giving birth to my daughter Sophia. Now, 9 years later, it has new significance to me as I prepare to rebirth myself.
In another 40 days or so, spring will be here. But it doesn’t arrive out of nowhere. Mother earth is steadily going through all of the important processes that usher in the arrival of spring, and I am feeling a call to do the same- to gather up all of my intent about what I want to bring forth this year, and to focus on it with light and hope and love. In doing this, I can feel that it is already in existence. I’m feeling a certain excitement about all of the layers of work and planning that I am putting into some new aspects of myself, while also remembering to be gentle with myself as a new part of me is born. With the germination of the light, ideas get reinforced, and with faith and discernment, they continue to grow tiny little roots that will unfold and become stronger, all in just the right timing.
I do this inner work so that I may also show up in a good way to do my work in the world. By healing ourselves, we contribute to the healing of the world for all of humanity. My prayer is that by sharing this, you may find resonance with some part of my experience and remember that we are all one.
If you are curious about exploring an area in your life that needs healing, I would love to support you. Please click here to read about my mentorship offering. And stay tuned for more offerings, that will be announced this spring.
With prayers for peace in the hearts and minds of all who read this, and for the restoration of peace on this planet, our Mother.